A Piece of Her
by MadeintheUS
Summary: Theodore Alex Chapman-Vause, he was a little piece of her. TW: Major Character Death.


A/N: I rarely ever finish a one-shot, but this one's a little…different than what I'm used to so.

Trigger Warning: Character Death.

 _ **A Piece of Her**_

* * *

 _It was an easy decision for you, motherhood had always been something you longed for. It was the only thing you seemed to be able to agree on with your mother. Since you were a little girl you had a maternal instinct that didn't go unnoticed. You had been married for three and a half years, you were ready to take the next step._

 _Alex on the other hand, had initially been resistant to the idea, claiming that life with just the two of them was adventurous enough. But soon after your initial discussion you realized that motherhood was quickly becoming something Alex thought about often. At first you were unsure if you had scared her and she was thinking of an escape method from how she had started to distance herself from you. She had started to come home from work at random hours of the night and the tension between you two built until one day you had had enough._

 _You approached the topic once again, but this time in a gentler manner. There was nothing else that could've caused Alex to distance herself as far away as she did. You expressed your feelings about the whole situation once again, but you weren't expecting her to say yes when you were done rambling._

 _You had to ask her what she was saying yes to twice to be able to comprehend it, but when you realized she was saying yes to having a baby, you couldn't help but throw yourself into her lap and kiss her until your lungs were practically screaming for oxygen._

 _It had been after a few heavily passionate rounds of love-making that Alex had revealed her hesitancies and reasons for her sudden distance from you._

 _She was completely worried that she would be a fuck-up of a mother and ultimately ruin an innocent child's life. She didn't see that she was fit to be a mother. Alex also revealed that she had spent many nights sitting in front of her mother's grave revealing her true feelings about this next step in life, hoping Diane would send her a sign that would let her know everything was going to be okay and she was ready for this._

 _All you could do is smile that mega-watt smile as you pulled her closer to you, completely overjoyed that you would be starting a brand new chapter with her._

* * *

Pregnancy turned out to be simpler than every woman who had revealed their testimony to you. Each woman had made it seem like it was nine months of swollen ankles, irritability, and morning sickness, but you found the whole experience completely enlightening. You embraced every aspect of pregnancy and so did Alex.

Alex was completely entranced with the process and constantly doted on Piper. She read every book known to man about pregnancy, the first years, and parenthood. She also didn't miss any of Piper's appointments and insisted on being thirty minutes early to each one.

The first time you and Alex saw your child on screen was so utterly overwhelming. Both of you were in complete awe, and you couldn't help but smile at your wife after the appointment as her eyes stayed glued to the ultrasound pictures they had given you. Your child still had seven months before their due date and Alex was already smitten.

You would schedule your appointments for early in the morning before you both went to work so she could just drop you off at Popi on her way to the office. She would depart from you with a tender kiss to your lips and one to your growing baby bump before you would watch her drive off until you couldn't see her anymore.

Each appointment day went like that until you hit eight months pregnant.

Little did you know that would be the last day you'd ever see that genuine, beaming smile and feel those intoxicating lips on yours as you carefully removed your now very pregnant self from your sedan.

* * *

 _You had always wondered what a little Alex would look like. It was something you had fantasized about since you had begun to wonder what parenting with her would be like. Would the baby have her pale skin or her dark hair? Would they have her sense of humor or tall stature?_

 _At first Alex was skeptical about using her eggs considering her age, and the process of retrieving them caused an uneasy shiver to roll down her spine. But somehow you were able to convince her to just get a check-up to see if she was in a healthy enough condition to use her eggs._

 _After many long, drawn out conversations she agreed to use her eggs. You both had decided that with this child, Alex would be the biological mother and you would be the next._

 _Two weeks later you were told that all the embryos were healthy and viable._

 _You were going to carry a little Alex._

* * *

You deliver the baby with Polly and your mother by your side, but that's not enough. You long for Alex, for her presence, but you know that's not in any way physically possible. Even though you've just brought forth new life, all seven pounds-seven ounces of new life, you still feel that overwhelming void deep down in the pit of your stomach. A part of you had thought that having the baby would help take away that deep, aching gloom that had been following you around like a shadow for the past two months, but it only seemed to grow stronger.

You ached for Alex to be there. You ached for her to see _him_ and experience this new adventure together. You wonder what life will be like from this day forward. Now you have a newborn to care for as well your still grieving self. Your midwife had preached day in and day out that the baby could and would continue to sense her feelings of depression after arrival, and that she needed to re-evaluate herself in order to create a more positive atmosphere for baby. But what did she know? Had the love of her life died mere months before her first child was born? Did she know what kind of pain she was going through?

All you hear is your mother and Polly crooning at the still slimy, wailing, naked boy that's pressed to your chest, clinging to _you_ for dear life because you are his lifeline now. Just like she was yours. He's innocent, and helpless. He'll spend the first few weeks of his life literally attached to you because that's his source for everything; love, nourishment, nurturing, safety.

Tears run down both of your cheeks as you finally wrap your arms around your little boy for the first time. You still hadn't gotten a proper look at him, all you knew was that he was healthy, and you could physically hear that he had a strong set of lungs from the high frequency of his screams.

You lie there clinging to your newborn, completely oblivious to everything going on around you until a nurse asks for his name. You and Alex had already had a name for each gender picked out considering you asked not to know the gender until the arrival. Instantly you felt the need and want to incorporate her name into his somehow. After all, he did come from her.

 _Theodore Alex Chapman-Vause_

Surprisingly, as you let it flow out of your mouth, your mother nor Polly had any protests and the more you said it out loud and clutched _Theo_ to your chest the more you liked his middle name of _Alex_ more than _Charles_. It had a sense of power to it, and after all he deserved to have a part of his mother with him at all times.

* * *

 _Instantly your mind fills with joy when you see those two pink lines appear on that tiny, white stick. It had taken six months of trying, but you had finally succeeded. There was actually a tiny, tiny human being deep within yourself that would continue to grow and eventually fulfill that want to finally be a mother. Technically, you were already a mother, despite how big the fetus was, but you would finally feel complete once you held the baby in your arms._

 _Alex's steps outside the bathroom bring you from your thoughts. You hear each creak in the wood floors as she paces from one end of the hallway to other. Occasionally you hear her stop and lean in towards the door, trying to discern any sound coming from the other side, but she remains quiet, not wanting to get her hopes up considering the struggles you had already been through._

 _When you open the door, you decide to keep a neutral face, but you find yourself struggling to fight the want to grin. She approaches you with a concerned look, a loving hand going to grasp your own as you prepare to deliver the news._

 _The moment she sees your look falter, she knows._

 _Instantly you bring the test out from behind your back, proudly gallivanting the two distinct pink lines._

 _You have never seen her smile so big or hear her ramble so much as she envelops you in her arms, encouraging you to wrap your legs around her waist as she continues to hold you tight in her arms._

* * *

Six weeks go by and you still struggle to get acquainted in this new life with an infant by yourself. Each time he cries, you too also feel like bursting into tears, but for a different reason. Every time you step foot in his nursery you can't help but feel your stomach clench in grief as you look at the hand painted mural she had surprised you with one Sunday afternoon. She hadn't let you go anywhere near the nursery until it was done. You still remember the smile that rested across her features for the rest of the day as she took pride in what she had done.

You hadn't necessarily struggled with motherhood, in fact you had started to grasp the routines and understand his needs fairly quickly once you realized that tending to his demands gave you a short break from the unending swarm of darkness in your brain. But that was always short-lived when you had him settled or he had fallen back asleep, leaving you to continue fending off those demons.

You hear Theo start to rustle in his sleep from where he lay next to you in his sleepsack. You were also positive that the newborn had only slept a total of three hours in his crib since he had been home. Other times he slept in bed next to you or in your arms because you couldn't bear being alone. You didn't get much sleep, and not because he was up every few hours, in fact he was an excellent sleeper already, but because all you can do is stare at him and wonder what you did to deserve him. After all, he is a little piece of her.

During that time when you were alone before Theo was born and you were also without your wife's presence, you felt there's nothing to live for. You didn't feel like yourself, and you still don't to some extent, but you understand that your little boy needs you. You are his meaning in life, the person he depends on for everything.

You stare at him as he attempts to wake up. Little arms were flailing and small grunts were radiating from his tiny mouth. His hair is jet black and has a small curl to it. _The same as hers._ And you assume he'll have the same emerald colored eyes. _Also the same as her_. Beyond everything, _she_ was his biological mother.

It's when Theo hits six months, the age he can finally start interacting with you and acknowledging your presence with a gummy grin and a babble that you allow yourself to feel a little bit of joy. You don't feel as lonely now that he can attempt to socialize back with you, but there are still times where the loneliness hits you like a tsunami wave and you can't stop it. The only thing that calms you down enough is feeling his tiny weight pressed against yours. It takes the edge away.

You know you should be feeling joy all the time here lately with all the milestones your baby is hitting.

Rolling over both ways.

Sitting up by himself.

Enjoying solid foods.

But it's hard to let yourself enjoy these achievements because she's not here to enjoy them with you. You can't believe it's been eight months she was taken away from you but six months since this perfect little boy was placed in your arms for the very first time.

* * *

 _The phone had been on speaker as you and Polly had a conference call with a representative from Barney's. You were so ecstatic with the results of the call that you had forgotten to switch the speaker setting to off._

 _You didn't think twice about looking at the caller ID as the next call rang throughout the office. Your voice was chipper as you were still on your success high._

 _As you said hello, you were greeted with the voice of your secretary Jean who informed you that a police officer was here to speak with you._

 _You could feel Polly's gaze turn to a more quizzical one as she looked up at your from where she was replying to an email._

 _Instantly you were knocked off your pedestal and the high suddenly faded to a fear of what was to come next._

 _It was only a matter of seconds before you were greeted with the face of a New York police officer._

 _He asks if you could move to a more private place, but you insist that whatever he needed to say he could say in front of Polly._

 _The only words you hear are, "Your wife died."_

 _You barely hear him say it was from a motor-vehicle accident as you feel yourself begin to fall. You don't hear anything else he says because your mind is filled with the sounds of your own sobs._

 _Nothing could've ever prepared you for this._

 _You'll never forget the way your body constricted and caused you to crash down onto the ground._

 _The thought of being eight months pregnant completely slipping your mind._

 _The sound of your own ear-piercing scream will always echo in your ears. You're sure of it._

 _You feel Polly's arms wrap around you as you sit on the floor clutching the closest thing for some stability. You feel like your spinning. You continually tell yourself this can't be reality._

* * *

As the days pass, the more he reminds you of her.

When Theo hits age two, you can't believe how much he really does look like a miniature Alex.

But a part of you feels guilty for wanting that miniature Alex now. You constantly wonder how things would've turned out if they would've done a few things differently, but everyone reminds you a car accident can happen to anyone at any place, anytime.

Theo insists he's a big boy and wants to do everything himself, very rarely does he comply with you and allow you to help him with whatever he may be doing. _A very Alex mannerism_.

With how engulfed in him you've began to get due to how you constantly have to keep an eye on him and steer him away from mischief, you feel like you don't think about her as much as you should. But you also wonder if that's a good thing. You're letting yourself enjoy the present and not dwell on the past, but you don't want to forget her.

Theo still sleeps in bed with you because you don't want to be lonely, but you tell simply tell him that it's a sleepover which always excites him. He takes the covers just like she did, and kicks in his sleep, just like she did. You always make sure to read to him every night, just like she did to him before he was born.

You basically had a piece of her with you wherever you went, and deep down you knew that was the only thing getting you through. Motherhood has been and will continue to be an intricate learning process, and you know that, but that still doesn't help the fact that you want her here going through it too.

You constantly find yourself still staring at him as he sleeps. His hair is such a dark shade of black that it's almost blue. _Just like Alex's_. His eyes are that light shade of emerald. _Also just like Alex's_.

* * *

 _It's a few weeks before anyone trusts you enough to be by yourself._

 _You still couldn't bring yourself to accept this fate, but somehow you found yourself trying to get through each day. You cried constantly, wishing that she was here, that she wouldn't be missing the upcoming birth of your child._

 _You try to busy yourself with small, tedious things just to keep your mind from drifting, but it was impossible._

 _It wasn't until you had sat down to update the baby book that you found it._

 _She had wrote a letter to the baby._

 _You wrote yours months ago. You had been on her case to write one since you had started writing yours._

 _When you open the letter, you notice the date written on the piece of paper was two weeks previous to the day Alex passed. The handwriting was definitely Alex Vause chicken scratch. It instantly made your eyes well up with tears._

 _You grab a few tissues from the end table as you begin to read because you know the tears are only going to get worse from here._

" _Dear Baby,_

 _Wow, you're almost here and we are so excited to finally meet you. Your mom and I have been waiting for you for 7 long months and pretty soon we'll get to see you, touch you, and completely ruin your innocence. I'm just kidding, that's not what we're going to do. Or at least we're going to try and not ruin your life. This is new for us. This whole parenting thing. I didn't think I was ready or was mom material, but here I am especially looking forward to holding you in my arms and starting this new adventure with you and your mom._

 _I can't wait to be your mom. I've studied everything I could about how to be a good parent, how to help you learn and grow, and how to be the best example I can be for you. I've even practiced by going to classes and taking care of your cousin Finn and his two sisters, but really it was all for you. Taking care of you and teaching you how to take good care of yourself will be one of the most rewarding things I could possibly do in my life. Thanks for helping me fulfill my life's purpose._

 _Just wait 'till you meet your mom. She's fantastic. I just know she's going to be such a wonderful mommy to you. I never thought that I would be the marrying type but then I met your mom and that all changed. She cares so deeply and shares herself so openly. I love her honesty and the way she has trouble keeping a secret, even when it's a fun surprise. I completely trust her to take exquisite care of all of our hearts, which is really the most important task of all. I love your mom so much, kid. If you're a girl, I can already hear the arguments that are going to arise between you and your mom, but if you're a boy, God help us._

 _My friends keep telling me that you're "one lucky baby" and I agree. I haven't always thought of myself as one of the luckiest people I know, but that recently changed. I am the luckiest person I know. I have your mom, and now I have you. In fact, there's no one else I'd rather bless with endless good luck and the ability to appreciate and enjoy it._

 _I promise to begin and end your days with the reminder that I adore you. At night, you'll hear "I love you" loud and clear, and I promise to wake you up each morning with a soft voice and an open smile, just the way my mom did with me. That might seem like a small thing, but trust me: it makes for a pleasant start to the day, and when you're a teenager, you'll be really, really grateful that I'm not shoving the curtains open and yelling for you to get up._

 _If you mess up in a small way, I promise to acknowledge it, help you, then let it go. And whenever you mess up in a big way, I promise to feel the weight of it and push you to do the same. I promise to let you make those tough mistakes, to address them when I need to, and to keep on loving you all the same._

 _I promise to build you one hell of a library . . . or, at least, to bring you to one. I'll help you learn to read and then I'll share with you all the stories, true and imagined, that have made me who I am. I promise to stand by, thrilled, as you discover the Harry Potter world for yourself, and to give you all the Roald Dahl books that swept me away when I was small, and to offer you my collection of heavily underlined novels just as soon as you're able to love them too. I promise you a life filled with words and books and imagination and the space to be as creative as you want to be._

 _When you have a bad day, I promise to listen. Or give you room to breathe, whatever seems best at the time. And when you get upset or angry or really, in-your-bones mad at me, I promise that I'll try to understand. I'll practice patience; I'll try, anyway._

 _I promise to be honest with you, even when it's hard, but I also promise to protect you. When there's something you need to know, I'll tell it to you straight, and if it might do more harm than good, I'll keep it to myself. I promise that I'll try to recognize the difference. Like I said, I'm TOTALLY new at this._

 _One of my deepest hopes is that we can always communicate openly with each other, that no matter what's happening, you know you can always come to us, share whatever's on your heart and we'll always love you no matter what. If I can be half the mother your grandma Diane (You'll learn about her as soon as you're out of your mom's belly, I promise) was, I'll have mastered parenting. There may be times when we don't like each other very much, but even then, please know, that we love you so fucking (I know you're gonna yell at me for that, Piper) deeply, and without conditions. And even in times when you think you don't, we'll remember that you love us too. Because that's how it is in our family, we practice unconditional love and acceptance no matter what the circumstances._

 _So, welcome to life on Earth, and welcome to your family. May you be surrounded by love, inspired to learn and grow, and always know that you are deeply cherished._

 _Remember to take it easy on us at first, because this is new to us too._

 _So much love,_

 _Your Mom"_

* * *

As you watch your baby step into his kindergarten class on his first day of school, you can't help but cry tears of joy and tears of pain. You wish she could be here experiencing this monumental moment with yourself and Theo. You wish she could've seen how excited he was this morning as he bounced around the apartment. You wish she could've heard Theo telling her how much he loved her last night before you tucked him into bed.

You've made sure to instill as much about Alex into Theo's little brain as you could. You wanted him to know her and to know how much she loves him.

You don't walk off until you see Theo turn around to wave at you once more and then disappear into his classroom. You stand there for a moment in case he starts having second thoughts, but he never reappears.

When you get in your car, you don't stop driving until you're at the place where your wife is buried. You call Polly and tell her you'll be a late. She doesn't think anything of it. She knows today was Theo's first day of school. She'd been there before.

Your legs shift into auto-pilot and lead you to her spot where you automatically sit down, resting your back against the headstone. You've found yourself in this exact spot many, many times the past five years. Theo has even tagged along so much that he's the one leading you to her resting place every time he accompanies you.

You love to listen to your five-year old talk to her. It's like she's not even gone. He rests up against the headstone right beside you and enjoys the time visiting. You're sure he's looked at every picture of Alex in the apartment at million times. He even insists on kissing the picture of you and Alex on your wedding day every night before he goes to bed.

Missing her doesn't get any easier for you. You still have your days where you find yourself in tears over her being gone, especially on big days such as this one, anniversaries, or birthdays. You always find yourself asking her questions when you're either at home or out somewhere as if she could reply back.

"I love you so very much." You breathe before starting in on your regular conversation. "Today was his first day of Kindergarten, Al…"

* * *

A/N: Well? Usually not my cup of tea, but I couldn't stop writing.


End file.
